Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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