whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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