had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
