at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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