so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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