The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
