Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
