All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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