I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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