just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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