so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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