Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You took a bar mat shot.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize