I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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