No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
