I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize