On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
