like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
