i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
