If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Drunk is a universal language darling
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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