Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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