i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
