If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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