last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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