Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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