Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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