....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
