I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
