at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
