tell your sister to shave her snatch
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
