last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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