You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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