He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
