My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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