38 yer olds are good kisserssss
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
