every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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