I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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