we have pet lesbian snakes
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
