Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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