Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
