Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
