Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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