some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
