The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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