i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
