Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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