Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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