True but thats because hes a fetus.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
