Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
