i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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