i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
it hurts more in the daytime
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
