i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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