I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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