My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
