is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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