I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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